June 7, 2021

Recently I hit a milestone. My procedural melody generator became the number one result for the Google search "melody generator". Even better, I beat out Google's own product "Chrome Music Lab".


Ever since I set my sights upon the "melody generator" keywords I knew it would be an epic struggle. I knew that Google themselves held the top position. I knew that I would have to pull out all stops and hack at my best to attain the prize.

Well I did it. Google has 135,000 employees and I vanquished them all. I beat them at their own game. I climbed the greasy mountain of Google engineers and stood upon their faces with my heels in their eye sockets and my toes filling their nostrils and I thrust my flag aloft and howled victory into the wind. Search result perfection.

I know this won't last. Their internal systems will figure out why their product isn't number one and get it back up there. They'll stick a team on it with laser eyes peering machine-like from behind Google glassholes as they methodically dismantle my indie challenge.

They'll change the copy, or the product, or the algorithm. Like a scene from a Miyazaki movie I'll be swallowed up by the writhing mass of engineers and my software will be snuffed out like an unwanted kitten. This too shall pass.

I am at peace with this. All wins in life are but a momentary flash of brightness that quickly fades. Yes they will take away the ranking, but they can never take away the glorious memory. It's our story to tell to our grandchildren by the light of the scanlines. The noble tale of that one time a lone music tech hacker reached the top of Google and out-googled Google themselves. Perfection is possible my friends, it is simply transient.

PS To those friends of mine who work at Google, I hope it's clear this piece is tongue-in-cheek. Sorry about stepping on your face.